I found myself in a very dark place last Monday and Tuesday. I couldn't find the peace I needed to feel concerning Ammon - or anything for that matter. It's one thing to say that you will turn things over to the Lord because you know you can't change things or that you are not in charge of certain events in your life, but it's quite another to truly turn it over to the Lord. I have had to do it many times but for some reason, I just couldn't get there easily this time. Thy will be done.... what a deep statement with so much meaning. It's a consecrated statement, in fact.
Many of you picked up on my sorrow and pitty party. You called to cheer me on. You came to visit to help me work through the darkness. You called Ammon. You cared and for that I was so grateful. There were so many people involved in this particular journey of Ammon's this time that it was overwhelming. People came to visit him. They fasted and prayed for him. The whole ward rallied around him and we could all feel their concern and love. I am convinced that because of the prayers and fasting, Ammon had a miracle happen. The gaping hole in his stomach was big enough to put your thumb clear into the stomach last Monday. It was frightening. The prognosis from the doctors was anything but encouraging. Ammon hated the tube in his nose. He couldn't wait to get it out. By Thursday morning, the hole had closed. Even the doctors were shocked - it happened nearly overnight. It was what they were hoping would happen - and it did.
On Wednesday (before the hole had closed up) I decided that I needed to go find my spot of beauty. I had begun to capture the spirit of peace from the Lord for which I was most grateful. I knew He would lead me to one place where I could see His works and know, for sure, that He is in charge and that He does know us individually. I knew He would speak to me. I went to the small garden on the south path where I often go to see the progression of flowers and plants. Tucked clear at the end of the garden was a cluster of holy hocks. I could not believe this gorgeous "bridal bouquet!" It was glorious! He had led me to the spot and my heart soared because I knew that no matter what would happen to Ammon, God was his creator and cares deeply about him. I knew that we would handle what would come no matter the outcome. How could I have doubted?! How could my sadness and lack of faith take over my whole countenance for so many days? More importantly, why did I let it take over? I've been down this path so many times and have received strength and peace every time that I should never have let that fear take place in my heart. But I'm mortal and I love Ammon and I can't bear the thought of life without him. I couldn't bear to see his depression and lack of fight. I think that's why it was so much more difficult this time. He was hurting emotionally far more than physically. I hurt for him.
" Be still and know that I am God."
The wound looks fantastic in this picture! It has closed and will actually be flat against his skin when it finishes the healing process.