He Suffered All Things

Today I got a taste of the deepest sorrow I've ever seen or felt. It physically hurt. It screamed inside. How did the Savior suffer it all?!? I cannot comprehend it. My mind said, "If He suffered it all for us, and if we are living good lives, then why do we have to suffer at all? Why did Julie and Stephen have to suffer like this?" He wipes away our tears -- so why do the tears spill over the lids and down our cheeks? Why do they have to come at all?

My heart is so sad tonight and yet I think it is full of more love for my brother than I've ever felt before. It felt good to wrap my arms around him last night and cling to him. He kept holding my hands. We didn't want to let go of each other. He would pop a joke along the way but I stood by him and was proud to be introduced as his sister (I was jokingly introduced as the oldest of the family so I must have looked it....).

Gillian sang a song. Neither of us knew if she could get through it after the scenes we witnessed just before the casket was closed. But I got a quiet prompting a couple of minutes before she was to go up that she would have the courage and strength to pull it off. Despite a very bad cold and red eyes, she sang like an angel. The words of the song were perfect. Julie said it opened a gate for Gina. I hope it brought all of them comfort.

I did not take any photos. I couldn't. I felt like it would have been intrusive catching the puffy, red eyes. It might have been nice to capture the groups of people as they gathered around each other to support and lift one another, but I just couldn't seem to get the interest to take a single picture.

For the first time, I think I saw what it is like to lose someone without having a complete knowledge of the gospel. I hope Tessa's husband will search for the peace the gospel brings. His outloud sobs and gasps were so hard to bear. Everyone wanted to go hold him and rest his head on their shoulders. He was desperate to tell Tessa how much he loved her. He was beating himself up and he didn't need to do that. There was very little peace inside this young man's soul and that's what hurt the most.

As the casket was about to be closed, family members were invited to view her for one last time. Stephen rushed to Tayler's side as she completely fell apart. He was now the comforter, quietly giving his children strength to go on. Julie was the rock they all looked to but she, too, needed the comfort from the collective group.

The funeral was beautiful. Sage and Seth were astute, giving comfort to Shane (Tessa's husband). They gave us all hope that things would be made right on the other side because of the way Tessa was trying to change her life. So much is not understood about her state of mind or where this all came from - but she loved her family and she was loved in return.

We all made a promise when we were baptized and it's found in Mosiah 18:8:
"...and now as ye are desious to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willling to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life..."

Despite the fact that God suffered all things for us, we still have to experience suffering to some degree sometime in our lives. I think the suffering must be a little easier when we know where to turn for that comfort and for the understanding of what we can't immediately see or understand, but of one thing I'm certain -- we need each other. We need to bear another's burdens. Hopefully we will do it for each other along the way, not just in the moment of great tragedy. In fact, if we refuse to mourn or are unwilling to lift each other's burdens whenever needed, that would be the greatest tragedy of all.

Love each other. Don't judge each other. You never know how long you have one another on this earth. Pray for Julie and Stephen and their family. Once the company is gone and the phone calls stop, they will have the silence to face. They will need support and comfort even more to help ease them into a new life without their daughter.

Stephen and Julie -- if you ever read this, know that I love and adore both of you. My prayers will be with you always.