Me speak Chi-a-nee-ese if you ple-eze

I had the opportunity last week to give a professional and technical talk to a bunch of Chinese folks. Because we're like "the place" for remote sensing and forestry in the US Government, we actually get a number of visitors all over the world making a stop to learn what we do with geospatial technology and how it relates to forestry. We've had people from Australia, Kazakhstan, Israel, Taiwan, Peru, and various other dignitaries. Last week we had 8 people from the Chinese Department of Forestry visit our office for two full days.

I'll admit, it was a bit weird to see these red communists in our midst. It was tough to skip the North Korea jokes. (But I want to keep my job, so I just said what I was supposed to.) Aren't these guys the enemies? I felt like I was giving away State secrets, but my job really isn't that important, so I guess the mundane info I shared won't do much to threaten national security.

Right before I gave my talk, one of the previous presenters from our office leaned over to me and said:

"Hey Jess, if that guy over there in the suit farts during your talk, don't laugh."

"Ha ha," I replied. "Nice try."

"No, seriously!" he said. "During my talk, he ripped one, no one said anything, and then he and the guy next to him had to fan their noses it stunk so bad. Don't laugh if that happens to you!"

I anxiously started my talk with the hopes of hearing some bureaucratic flatulence but alas, only got a decent burp. What a letdown.

The talk went as well as a technical presentation with 47 powerpoint slides can go through a translator. While they were here, they went to lunch one day at a -- you guessed it -- Chinese restaurant. However, they didn't go to some authentic place. Rather, they went to some place on 45th and State that offers a Chinese buffet as well as...pizza. I can't imagine they enjoyed the food much.

I did convince the translator to write my job title on my business card in Chinese characters. I chose "Remote Sensing Wizard" as my title but she said "wizard" has a bad connotation in Chinese, so I reverted back to the boring, but totally appropriate, "expert."