Who I am

I've struggled to find the words to say for this post.

I don't really always use the best words to describe how i'm feeling. I hope the spirit will help guide me in what to say so that you will all understand.

As most of you know, I talk about me having depression on my blog sometimes. I've decided to be open about it because I know many people who suffer from it and are afraid to get help, or come forward and share how they are feeling. I think the fear comes from wrong judgement, or fear that people will back away when they find out. Because lets face it, who wants to hang out with someone who is depressed all the time?

I want to start back when it all started. You all know I had migraines. My depression started back when I was a senior in school. It was mostly health related. I felt so sick all the time, but I felt like the 'cry wolf' because people stopped believing me when I had a health problem. They thought I was being dramatic or stretching the truth. That hurt to know people felt that way. I never asked for the health issues. I never asked to have a sensitive personality. I never asked to be the way I am. But God made me this way, and somehow, I knew I had to get through it. I couldn't just quit. Although, many times, I wanted to quit life.

One specific time I almost did end my life. At the time, I had been through many many medications. It was in November my senior year that I finally found one that helped with my migraines. Although it was helping with my migraines, it was making me very sad and lonely. I felt abandoned. I felt confused with life. I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was.

I remember one night going to the bathroom to take my medication and looking at myself in the mirror. I started to cry. I didn't see the girl who I used to be. I saw someone who was fat, ugly, depressed, worthless, unmotivated, and lonely. I looked at my bottle of medication, and told myself I would take the whole bottle that night, and hopefully just peacefully pass on in my sleep. I didn't think anyone would miss me, and I for sure didn't think I could get through this life any longer. I was tired. I was tired of trying to be happy, faking it will I made it through it. I took my regular dose of medication, and thought again, 'do I really want to do this to myself?' 'do I really want to end my life?' I poured a few extra pills in my hand, and got ready to start swallowing the bottle. But something stopped me. The spirit told me no. That God loved me, and knew this was not what I really wanted. I wanted to feel noticed. I wanted to feel visable, not invisable. I broke down and put the pills away, and took them up to my mom. I told her I almost took the whole bottle of pills, and my thoughts of suicide were not healthy and I wanted to get help.

After that, I started meeting with the bishop regularly. My testimony of the Gospel grew and I knew that God loved me. Because I knew that, I knew I could get through it. I gained a testimony of trials and why they come to us. Although I knew that I was supposed to go through this all, I still struggled. I stayed on that medication for 3 years- and I seemed to get better. I felt back to normal, my migraines started fading away although I still got one about once a week or two. That was good for me!

Before I got married, I wanted to ween myself off of the pills because I knew I would not be able to afford them on no insurance. Plus, I felt confident that I would be ok. I got married, and things were great! I felt good about myself, and I only had a few migraines. But, as time went on, and I got on birth control, things got worse again. The migraines were still fine, but my feelings of self worth were dwindling. I told myself that I could get through it, and I only felt that way because I had gone through so many changes throughout the year. I told myself I would get better.

But, I didn't. It's gotten really bad. I fear that telling you all of this will make you all pass some sort of false judgement. I've heard the phrase "drama queen" been called out to me many many times. That hurts to hear. When I hear that, I realize how much my family and friends really don't understand how i'm feeling or what I'm going through.

When we went to Tessa's funeral, I cried WAY more than I thought I would- and I think that's because I related to her. No one knew she had depression, you would have never guessed that she had it, because of her great fun personality. She seemed to have it all. But it was all fake. Maybe not all of it- I don't want to pass judgement to her. But literally, at her funeral, I cried not only because I was mourning for her, but I feared for myself. I remember being in that moment of weakness and wanting to end my life. I never want to get to that point of actually killing myself. I saw how much her family hurt after the fact, and it was devastating.
I knew at that moment, that something needed to be done. I needed to do something to get me out of this whole mess.

Many times, I wake up, and tell myself it's going to be a great day. I remind myself what i'm grateful for, and the things that make me happy. That gets me through for a while. But then, out of no where, I start feeling down again. The other night for example. I worked from 8-4 that day, nonstop. I had clients ALL day long. It was a GREAT feeling, and I felt like I was doing such a great job, and I actually made some great money! Kevin picked me up and then left for school. Mom and Kaitlin came to pick me up for Jen's baby shower, and somehow, I got deeply stuck in something horrible. No one said anything to offend me or make me sad or mad. It literally came out of no where. I sat in the back of the van, and since it was getting dark, I got away with crying the whole way up there. Mom and Kaitlin knew something was wrong, but didn't push because I think they didn't want to make it worse. I let the tears flow all down my face as mom and kaitlin kept on with their conversations. Given, I was not feeling that well and I was really really tired (I had only gotten like 5 hours of sleep the night before) but there was no reason for me to be that down. I said a little prayer that I could keep it together. That night was not about me, it was about Jen, and I wanted to be happy for her, because I really am happy for her!

We got to their house, and Jess asked me something and I just shrugged. He then said "Happiness is a choice Gillian." I didn't say anything. I knew he wasn't being rude at all, he was just trying to cheer me up and lighten the mood. I wasn't mad at him either. I have to apologize to Jess and Jen because I should have been more talkative and i'm sorry I wasn't. But when he said that, I realized that my family doesn't understand. They all think i'm this drama queen who can control her feelings. But you guys, sometimes, I cant. I know I can help the fact that I hold grudges sometimes, and that I blame others for my depression. I blame others when I feel abandoned or lonely, or mad. I blame others for making me feel that way. And that is wrong. I have to apoligize to all of you for being that way. I promise i'm working on that. I now I can help the fact that I am quite often negative. It's hard not to be sometimes, but I am working on that too.


I'm not trying to be dramatic, or selfish, or sensitive. Infact, I HATE that I am like that. I would give almost anything to trade those traits about me. It takes so much energy to be who I used to be. The fun-loving, crazy hyper happy person I used to be, is not me anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am scared sometimes. I feel horrible for my husband. I don't yell, I don't get upset that much, but I do cry, and cry, and cry. Sometimes, all he can do is just hold me and tell he everything is going to be ok. I know I need to get help. I went to the bishop and got him to refer me to family services, but it costs $70 a session since we don't have insurance then I cant do it. As soon as I get back on Mom's insurance in January, I am going straight to the doctor to get some help. Trust me, I don't want to be this way. I promise you, this is not me just being a drama queen that thrives on problems or drama. This is REAL.

I'm not looking for pitty, or people to feel sad for me. I am just looking for pure understanding. Please. I'm begging you to understand me. I;m begging you to forgive me for the wrong doings I have done in the past to any of you. I'm asking for your prayers, and love, and support. I need you. It's not for attention. It's because I'm scared. And because I need your support more now than I have ever needed in my life.

I know I can be a debbie downer, and I know that I have ruined friendships and relationships that have truly meant alot to be because of who I have become. But I can't help this right now. People are pushing me away because they don't want to be around someone like me. But how can family push you away? I know you all won't push me away because we are a family, and family is important, and if any of you ever needed me, I would be there for you.

No, i'm not suicidal right now, I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I know that he loves me. And I do have my good days. I know that I was given this trial to help mold me to some greater person. And someday, I will look upon this and realize how much this trial helped me to grow and learn. But right now, I can't see it. So please, just love me for who I am right now, and don't forget about me in your prayers. And you know what, although this is all embarassing to share, it's OK not to be ok once in a while. Love you all.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror 
Why am I doing this to myself 
Losing my mind on a tiny error 
I nearly left the real me on the shelf 
No, no, no, no 

Don't loose it all in the blur of the start 
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing 
It's; okay not to be okay 
Sometimes it's hard 
to follow your heart 
Tears don't mean you're losing 
everybody's bruising 
Just be true to who you are 

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect? 
I forgot what to do to fit the mould 
The more I try, the less it's working 
'cos everything inside me screams: no, no, no, no, no, no, no 

Don't loose it all in the blur of the start 
Seeing is; deceiving, dreaming is believing 
It's; okay not to be okay 
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart 
Tears don't mean you're losing 
everybody's bruising 
Just be true to who you are 

Yes, Nos, egos 
fake shows like BOOM 
Just go, and leave me alone 
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night 
With a smile... 
That's my home, yeah 
That's my home... 

No, no, no, no, no... 
Don't loose it all in the blur of the start 
Seeing is; deceiving, dreaming is believing 
It's; okay not to be okay 
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart 
Tears don't mean you're losing 
everybody's bruising 
Just be true to who you are 

"Who you are" by Jessie J.