A Rollercoaster that is constantly falling

Every time I think that the crying is over another wave just comes crashing in. This week was supposed to be the dream week. A new, and my last, semester of high school started and because of that we didn't have school last Friday (the 15th). Monday was Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday so there was no school that day either.

Monday was spent with my three friends DeVan Lord, Matt Harvey, and Joseph Mohrman. They are my best friends in the world other than Lexi Brown. They just know what to do and what to say to make me feel welcome and loved by everyone. It was Joseph's sister's birthday on Monday so we went over there and celebrated with cake, ice cream, and a movie. It was fun to meet his parents and two of his three sisters. The night was a blast. It's just a shame that it couldn't go on like that for the rest of the week.

Tuesday started out as a great day. School was great and my foot (which was hurt all of the way back in December during the last week of Nutcracker) felt perfect. I had dance that night and I decided not to tape my foot. It wasn't doing anything for me in the first place so I thought it was worthless to waste tape I may need on a moments notice. Well I have had my two big toenails, that are bruised, ready to fall off and they were starting to get annoying. I was ready to just pull them myself off after a great ballet class. I went into my next class, which would be jazz; my favorite class. We were going through our dances and I just could not do anything. I felt so stupid. I felt worthless.

Well we did our Fireside piece for one of the other teachers at our studio (Jess and Jen met her :D). I really went for the emotion and the moves in the dance and that's when things turned worse.

My injured foot became and even more injured foot as I came down from a jump. The vibrations from me landing just shot back and attacked the injured area. It felt like my body was saying, "Well, something is about to happen in your life that will be a great experience. Let's kill that dream. Your done." My body broke down that night. I couldn't concentrate and I kept hitting girls that I have never had a collision with in a certain part of our dance. Some of the choreography was changed in our dance and as we were going over it by ourselves, my friend Jerika started before me. We didn't realize how close we really were until her leg hit my bruised toenail and ripped it off. I didn't even feel it which is weird. I pulled the rest of it off and threw it away. The night continued to be a terrible one.

After Tuesday, I realized a few things. Dance has become such an emotional crutch, an addiction for my mental and physical fitness. When I dance it is like nothing matters. My brain will take over and my body will do what it says, no questions asked. I have no physical strength to tell my mind and body that I am injured or sick. I never sit down in a class. I finally realized that my body is something that I cannot take for granted anymore. I missed dance on Wednesday to finally tell myself no. Thursday took a lot of strength for me to just sit down and take pictures, videos, and notes for three and a half hours.

Before dance on Thursday I called my Pediatrist, Dr. Ollerton, and made an appointment. I didn't' know how long it would be until I could get in when I called. When I asked for the earliest time, the woman told me that some one had called two minutes before and canceled a ten o'clock for the next day. I took it of course. Dad wasn't very happy that I made it during school but that was during my choir class so I figured I didn't really care. Either way I would have missed school to go. When I went in I knew that there was a chance that I would be done dancing for good. Mom and I had talked about it and she said that this was the last one. If something was really wrong then I was done completely. Well, knowing that, I am happy to say that I can still dance... but not for a while. I have a stress fracture in my Calceneus (the heel bone). I am wearing a walking boot again. I have to wear it for a minimum of two weeks.

BYU is having their Dance Department auditions on the sixth of February. I go to the Doctor on the fifth. He said that he wasn't sure if I would be better but he is hoping that I can get it off that day. Even if I do get it off, there is no way that I can get back up on Pointe or even dance on flat like I could before this whole thing happened. I will have lost a lot of flexibility and this week was supposed to be my mental preparedness week. I am going to talk to my teacher Britney and my director Nesha and see what they think. I have a workshop on the twentieth of February with Collen West, the director of the International Folk Team and the tap company, Foot Poetry, at BYU. That will give me a great opportunity. I am most likely going to call BYU and see if they will work with me and my injury. I hope they will give me a shot to dance with them.

There is one good thing that happened on Friday. Apparently there is a Women in Leadership conference that is held for Senior girls through out the state of Utah. Only four girls get to go from each school and somehow I got picked. There is a $500 scholarship that I could possibly get at the end of the conference. The only thing that would keep me from going is that it is the same exact day that I would have the workshop with Collen West.

I guess some weeks are just more depressing than others.