4:00 a.m. Musings

I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep since 2:00 a.m. so I decided to come down and make an entry on the blog.

Yesterday was our 40th anniversary. I don't think we'll both be around to celebrate our 50th but you never know. I wish I could say yesterday was a great, enjoyable day but I can't. It was a bust. We spent a large portion of the day getting the new toilet in place. We thought we had it ready a few days ago but realized it was leaking so Jim took it off and started all over again. It turned out to be a huge job due to some worn-out wood under the floor. But it is done!! It works!

We had planned to go to Salt Lake to attend Isiah's wedding reception in the evening but the day got in the way. Jim and I went to lunch together after going to the plumbing store. By the time I was done eating, I rushed into the bathroom in the restaurant thinking I was going to throw up. My stomach was killing me. For the first time in my life, I willed myself into NOT throwing up - not a good idea in a public restroom. For the rest of the day I was in a lot of pain and felt miserable. I (not Jim) decided I didn't feel well enough to make the trip up to Salt Lake.
Jess and Jen had offered to either take us out for dinner after the reception or do a take-out dinner at their place (Chinese food!). That was the plan. I cancelled all those plans and we stayed home.

After Kaitlin left for her date, I decided that I needed to fix Jim something to eat so I fixed a decent meal for him. I didn't eat. The only kind of celebratory thing we did was to share a bottle of Martinellis that I got from work.

Jim deserved a better day than that. So I hope this post will help a little.

I have reflected on our marriage - the highs and lows; the victories and failures; the laughter and the pain. We have had it all. It has not been a perfect marriage - there have been too many arguments (two hot-headed people are still trying to figure out how to "chill" a little more) but there has been a great deal of love based on friendship and the need for one another's approbation. Marriage is hard. You start to think that you can say whatever you are feeling and that your spouse should certainly know where you are coming from - after all, you have spent a lot more time being married than you did as a single person and you should know each other backward and forward. It doesn't always work that way. We still have tender feelings and we don't like to be made fun of or derided in any way. Sometimes the tease is still hurtful. Sometimes we are too insensitive to the other person. Sometimes we have to step back and look at our spouse more than ourself and even after all these years together, we still discover new things about each other that surprises us and breathes new life into something that could (and often does) become stale.

There have been so many experiences in the past 40 years that have forged our path as a marriage couple that I could write a book. The moves alone could take up volumes - and the reasons behind the moves should be explained. The children that have been born to our union would add another volume or two. We have had a spiritual journey together, too. We have grown and developed and served the best we have known how. I believe that the spiritual journey has enabled us to survive Satan's onslaught as he seeks to destroy families. I used to say that I could ride into Heaven on Jim's coattails. I still believe that.

I want to honor Jim for all that he has given to me and all that he has shared with me. I have absolutely no doubt that he has a deep devotion to me and that he adores me even when I don't deserve to be adored. He has enriched my life beyond measure with his knowledge of the gospel and his desire to share what he has learned with me even when I haven't always wanted to listen. I am still amazed that he doesn't seem to notice or care about my Tourettes which has become so much worse over the years. I am touched with a softness when I realize that it is just as necessary for Jim to feel approval from others as it is for my kids. I realize that he needs to be needed. I am grateful that I can always turn to him for a priesthood blessing either for myself or for one of the kids. I am impressed with his care about the families he home teaches. He is a great example to me because I don't do well in that area of my life. I am a little jealous as I see how well he interacts with the grandchildren - he can reach them when I can't. They love him and his pigeons. I am thankful that I was able to stay at home for so many years and that, even though we could have used extra money, he supported my desire to stay home with my kids and did his best to support such a huge family. There are so many things about Jim that I love. I'm really thankful that I have another year to look forward to in this crazy ride we call marriage!

I love you, Jim.