This is going to be a long post but I wanted to share a story and ask a question. It is also a pretty personal post but what a better way to get answers and share a faith promoting story than to share it with your family?
You all know my struggle with Eli not sleeping. I have also been struggling with something else and the two things mixed together have created some very depressed feelings. One night Mike said to me, "I think we should fast tomorrow." So we did. I fasted for 12 hours and Mike fasted for two days! We went to the temple and I wasn't sure what to seek through fasting because I fast about these things every time I fast and I pray about them every night. So I wasn't sure what to fast for other than peace that could last. In the celestial room Mike said to me, "I know that these depressed feelings you are having will go away instantly and that you won't have to worry about them anymore." I admittedly was doubtful. I wondered how he could be so certain and receive an answer about me that I hadn't been able to receive for myself thus far. I have struggled off and on with depressed feelings. Some times I wonder if I have depression but usually I just think that I haven't learned how to cope with things in a more relaxed way and therefore, tend to be depressed at times. I also believe that I struggle with faith and therefore, feel discouraged thinking that my problems can't be solved the way I hope. Not that I believe God doesn't listen to my prayers or want good things for me but having lasting faith and peace in that is hard for me.
The next few days were odd. I was still a little unsettled but hopeful that things would be better. Eli was still not sleeping but I felt ok about it. Then the monday after the temple (we went on a Wed.) Eli was terrible. I put him down for a nap and he was exhausted. I sang to him, gave him a bottle, made sure he was changed, yada, yada. He cried for two hours. I thought about getting him out after an hour but I was so upset and angry I was afraid I would not be nice to him if I got him out earlier. Finally, I got him out. We played, we did errands, we ate. He was tired again (he never slept so he was tired the whole time but I could tell he was really needing a nap) so put him down again. He cried for two more hours. He never slept the entire day. I was bawling with earplugs in my ears and the fan on as high as it could go so I didn't hear him. Mike came home and asked what was wrong. I told him I didn't think we could have any more children because I couldn't do this to myself and my family any more. I told him that I didn't have hope it would ever be better the next time or the time after that with each new kid and that maybe Heavenly Father was telling me that this was enough for me.
On Thursday (thanksgiving) Mike was home. He was home for about four days. Finally he said to me, "I will give Eli a blessing tomorrow." I was surprised because I had asked him a few times off and on if he would give Eli a blessing. I knew that if he had a blessing that he could be healed of this problem but Mike didn't believe that. He said that he didn't believe Eli could be healed of sleeping problems. So I was surprised and asked him what the change was. He said he had no idea that Eli was like he was. He saw four days in a row what I deal with every day. I asked him if he thought I was exaggerating and he said no but he hadn't really seen it on a continual basis. So the next day he gave him a blessing.
And then we had a miracle. Since then, Eli has slept like a perfect baby. When he gets tired, I make sure he is already fed, changed, etc. I turn on the fan in his room, I sing him two songs, I give him a pacifier and I leave the room and he will either cry for about five minutes or go to sleep immediately. I cannot write the gratitude I feel in my heart. I feel like a different person. I feel like the spirit can be heard in our home again because I feel free from these depressed feelings and anxiousness that comes from listening to him cry so much. There are still trials in our lives but I recognize that this blessing was a gift from God.
The question I am needing understanding for is in no way meant to take from the gratitude I feel. I am wondering why my prayers every day and my fasting for months and my efforts (because I wasn't just sitting and waiting for it to happen) couldn't solve the problem. Why can Mike fast for me, pray for me, attend the temple, and give a blessing, and the trial can be removed? I know Heavenly Father was listening to each prayer I uttered but I'm not sure what it means. I don't believe he honors Mike's prayers more than mine. But I'm wondering if his prayers and fast were answered because he fasted so long? Or because he has more faith? Or maybe Heavenly Father wants to teach us that we must be united in all things for our trials to be taken from us? What exactly is the purpose of a blessing? I guess I don't understand what extra power is needed through a blessing that my prayer and fasting can't solve. Is it just that added faith is required when a priesthood blessing is given? I don't know. I want to have pure faith. I'm just trying to understand what I need to learn from this experience so that next time I can be wiser. And I have to be honest and say that I have small doubts creep in that tell me that Eli has had days or weeks where he will sleep very well only to go back to not sleeping. But I have to have faith. I have to believe that this is a real miracle and that things won't ever be like they were before. What are your thoughts? I'm sorry this is so long. I just wanted to share it with you all.
9 comments:
Well, I'm not sure why he sometimes answers prayers and sometimes doesn't, but have you every read Elder Betnar's talk "in the strength of the Lord?" It is on of my favorite talks and it helps me a lot in my trials. He talks about how the Lord doesn't always take away our trials, but what he can do is strengthen us in them. So instead of praying to have our trials taken from us (which believe me, I've tried!), we should pray to have the strength to handle them. It is an interesting principle and at times has really helped me.
Hope this helps just a little - hang in there Adrianne!
Love, Amy
I will read that talk, Amy. Thank you. I should probably add some clarification though. I guess when I say "take them away" I am thinking that some trials can actually just be taken away so that we never have to deal with them. But I also agree with you that that doesn't happen very often and in my mind I also mean "take them away" as in strengthen me or give me peace like the nephites in the scriptures who had their burdens made light and were at peace and happy. In a way, that would make the trial seem as if it weren't there even though it did? You know what I mean. I, of course, would like for the trial just to disappear but I would have also have been happy if I felt some kind of peace amid the trial. So that is what I meant. In this case, it seems as if Mike's blessing has really removed the trial but the other thing I was/am struggling with still remains but our combined fasting as made it seem lighter and less of a trial than it was before. I'm not sure that makes sense. Thanks for for the comment, Amy.
I don't think that anyone will be able to tell you what it is that you should learn from this trial. The Lord customizes trials to each of our needs. I do know that He will allow us to be tried right up to our breaking point. One of the greatest trials in my life was when Michelle was in the hospital on bed rest for a month when she was pregnant with Brenden. Here I was, essentially a single father, of three very active boys ages 3 and under. I was trying to work full time and care for my little family. It came to a breaking point one night as we were all in the car on I-15 heading to the next exit to go see Michelle in the hospital. At that point my fuel pump died. As the car rolled to a stop on the side of the freeway, I just wanted to yell and pound on the car in frustration. I was so tired both mentally and physically. With the help of a passing motorist, I managed to get the car off the freeway and then we walked the rest of the way to the hospital. I don't know that I have ever felt lower in my entire life. We eventually got through that trial. One of the things I learned was that I just can't do it all myself and that the Lord doesn't expect me to. I needed to learn to lean on the strength of others, including the Lord. Our job is primarily to endure our trial as best we can to the very end. You are doing that. Keep it up and you will continue to be blessed.
One thing I've always wondered -- and I think it kinda goes along with Adrianne's original question -- is why the collective prayers of a group(the prayer roll in the temple) is any better than the prayer of a single person?
What's the message here? That if I get 10,000 of my closest friends the Lord will listen more closely than if just I pray?
You know, it is odd that you mention that. I was thinking the exact same thing while we were all in the Manti temple together.
Exactly Jess. Like I said, I don't think God honors Mike prayers more than mine or that mine don't count for anything. I'm just wondering if part of the reason things are changing now is because there is just more faith put into it (both of us putting our faith in instead of just me) and therefore, more powerful. If that is the case, then does that mean that everytime I have a trial that I need help with I need to ask Mike to pray and fast with me if I want it to be more effective?
Heck, I'd forgo fasting and praying myself next time and just have Mike do it!
Your idea still suggests that the faith of one is insufficient and I don't think that jives with a loving Heavenly Father who knows us by name and wants each of us to succeed. Perhaps it's a humility lesson ("I can't do this alone, so I'll petition others to petition the Lord with me" idea). -Jess
Jess, I know. I also think it is inconsistent with the idea of a loving Heavenly Father. Hmmm...very interesting discussion.
Sweet Adrianne,
Your trials and efforts deepen you so much. What a blessing. Thank you for sharing that story and your feelings. The comments above are interesting, but there is one thing missing.
I think that Mike needed to learn something. He could not have done that without your sacrifice and effort. It was hard, but hopefully he will have an increased compassion for the work of a good woman with a family. Not only does every man need to know about that for his own wife, but also for others, too. You know he does serve in a Bishopric, and those things are germane there, too, in many ways. So learn together, appreciate each other, have compassion and love, and life will yeild more than you ever knew that it could.
Dad Clark
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